How to Talk with the Classmates of a Child who Experienced Loss
Training
Why is it important to talk with the child’s classmates?
When you don’t inform or prepare children for their interaction with a classmate who experienced the loss of someone close, the classmates may disengage from that student or harass them.
This may exacerbate the sense of loneliness, which the grieving student feels anyhow.
At the same time, children also naturally tend to help their friends. Teachers can give students tools to help them help their classmate. This help can make a significant difference in the grieving student’s life.
This is probably one of the most significant lessons in the students’ life, and one of the most important tools an educator can teach.
How does the student experience the relationship with the other classmates after the loss?
After the death of a close family member or a close friend, the student may experience a wide range of very strong and confusing feelings, among them also guilt and shame. The student may think that something is wrong with them, or feel ashamed and “different”. They may feel that they don’t know what to say or how to behave, even with their friends, even to the point of withdrawing from social life.
When a classmate experiences loss - what do the other classmates feel?
Similar to adults, most children have little experience helping grieving friends. A student may fear saying or doing something that will worsen the situation of their classmate who suffered the loss of someone close.
The death of a close person experienced by a classmate may also rattle the other classmates. They may wonder: “Can my father also die?”. They may make insensitive comments, or ask repeated questions in an attempt to obtain information about the death.
The classmates may tease the grieving student. They may distance themselves from this student as a way of coping with the anxiety and fears they begin to feel.
These classmates may want to say: “I’m scared that my father will also die sometime. Can you share with me what you are experiencing, how it feels when your father dies, help me better understand and prepare for this?”, but what they actually say is: “your father died, why did this happen to him?”.
Equip students with a set of tools
Teachers can increase the chances that students will support their classmate, by doing the following:
- Provide information
Help the students understand, at the most basic level, what happened. This will decrease the chances that they will pester their grieving classmate with repeated questions about the death. - Give the students an opportunity to ask questions
The classmates will probably have questions about what death and how it affects children and their families. They will want to know how they can help someone who is grieving. Teachers can talk about this topic in class, before the grieving student returns to school. Such a conversation may make help the classmates feel more prepared for when they meet their grieving classmate. - Provide a safe space where the students can share their thoughts and feelings
Invite the students to talk about loss they themselves experienced, or about the fear of losing someone close. - Give practical advice
For example, suggest ways to initiate a conversation with someone who is grieving. Discuss what is appropriate to say, suggest practical ways of making contact and connecting, and discuss what is inappropriate to say.
Translated with the permission of the authors, from:
The Grieving Student: A Guide for Schools
by David Schonfeld and Marcia Quackenbush
For additional information in Hebrew:
Dr. Rivi Frei-Landau
[email protected]
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