How to Tell a Child About the Loss of a Parent

How to talk with children who have experienced loss? What to say, and how?

Why is it so important to initiate a conversation?

Avoiding a conversation about this issue may convey an unwanted message. For example, children may interpret this avoidance as indicating that perhaps you are… :

• Insensitive (perhaps you don’t understand/notice how confused they are or the difficulties they are experiencing?).
• Uncaring (perhaps you don’t care about the very significant event that took place in their life?).
• Incapable (perhaps you think that you can’t give them the help they need?).
• Lack confidence (perhaps you think the child will not be able to cope and adjust, even with your help?).
• Do not enable/think that it should be talked about (perhaps you think that it is inappropriate to talk about death?).

No one wants to convey these negative messages to grieving children.

Initiating a conversation gives children the message that you see them and their situation, and that you want to help them.

What do children usually think?

Children learn from a young age that conversations about death make people uncomfortable. If they ask questions people sometimes look away or don’t continue the conversation. If they talk with grieving family members after someone passed away, the adults might also start crying or show signs of distress. Children often think that they did something bad, and from then on will avoid raising the subject again. They may keep their feelings to themselves as a way of helping their family. They may try to show that they are fine, and will also say so to their family, when in fact they need help.

Educators and other school professionals play a vital role in trying to reach these students, to acknowledge their loss, and to offer to talk with them and answer their questions. School staff who already have an established relationship with the grieving student are in a significant key position to offer their help.

Starting the conversation

These steps can help you start the conversation:

1. Express concern
   Let the student know that you heard about their loss and that you are there to lend an ear and help them.
2. Be genuine and honest
   Children sense when adults are authentic in their interpersonal communication. For example, don’t say to a child that you miss the person in their life that passed away if you didn’t even know them. You can say that you are sad that they are experiencing this loss.
3. Invite a discussion
   Use simple, direct and open questions. For example, ask "How are you and your family coping?".
4. Listen and observe
   Listen more and speak less. Reflect back your observation of the student’s behavior and reactions without being judgmental.
5. Limit sharing your personal experience
   You can use your personal experience to identify/connect with the grieving student, but don’t rush to share these experiences with them (unless you think that such sharing will help the child open up, and this only after weighing and considering it). Keep the focus on the student.
6. If needed, suggest something they can use
   For example, talk to them about ways to react and respond to questions about death from their classmates or other adults.
7. Calm them
   Without diminishing the importance of their concerns, tell the student that their ability to cope with their sorrow and grief will get better over time, and that you will be there by their side to help them.
8. Maintain continuous contact
   At the beginning the student will not necessarily cooperate with your invitation for a conversation or your offer to help. Their questions will develop and deepen over time. Remain accessible, interested and connected.

What to expect?

Talking to the students about the death of a close person may bring up feelings for you as well.

Most students will appreciate an adult who shows an interest and cares about what happened to them, even if, for example, they see the adult saddened or even crying.

The student will be able to learn to cope with the loss if they see a functioning adult who expresses some pain but is able to cope effectively, and thus serves as a positive role model of coping.

Even when teachers follow these guiding principles, there will be students who will not want to cooperate and to talk about death. They may not yet understand the full significance. They may feel overwhelmed by the experience and the strong feelings. They may be afraid of losing control, may feel shame, or scared of being seen as different. They may have complex feelings such as guilt or shame, they may feel that the conversation with you makes them look different in the eyes of their friends (particularly among adolescents).

Offer a private meeting with them at school in which you will be able to have a conversation. Remain accessible and present over time. Suggest additional sources of support at the school, such as another teacher, the school counselor, school psychologist, social worker or nurse. Help them think of other people who can help them in their family or their community.

Translated with the permission of the authors, from:
The Grieving Student: A Guide for Schools
by David Schonfeld and Marcia Quackenbush

For additional information in Hebrew:
Dr. Rivi Frei-Landau
[email protected]
The Laboratory for the Study of Loss, Crisis and Resilience from a Multicultural Perspective »